You Got A Degree in What?? (Gentemen, Start Your Shop Vacs!)

... Because, if you've ever heard the question, "Where'd you get your degree, from a Cracker Jack Box?", you'll definitely wanna have that vac handy! ;-)

(Originally published June 15, 2011)

So, maybe you’ve graduated high school recently.

Or perhaps you’re still sleeping on your parent’s couch for the past decade, and it’s time to start thinking about getting a college degree.

Or, maybe you just want to tell your boss ‘where to go’, after being the fine achiever of a college degree (which seems to be increasingly important these days).

 Trust me, peers and colleagues WON’T let you forget that fact, making you feel inadequate from the increasing pressure to pursue this ‘all-important’ piece of paper.

So, while they’re not out driving their beamers, and getting their nails done, you can really show them, that YOU’RE RIGHT UP THERE WITH THEM! Go ahead. Make them shoot their non-fat moccachinos out their nostrils!

They’re sure to be impressed when you don one of these novel degrees!

And before we start, I gotta be honest; after reviewing these courses, I wonder how I WOULD’VE fared with one of these degrees? (Because, generally speaking, broadcasting is not the best paying career field.) Not throwing my employers under the bus, but it is a bit sad when you consider most broadcasters have to risk life and limb, going out in snow, ice, and blizzards (same as cops, firefighters, and hospital workers), but we have to go to our respective stations, in order to bring you news and updates of inclimate weather. Yet, you can turn around and your average secretary makes more. (And no, that wasn’t a slam on secretaries. I just said most secretaries earn more money than most broadcasters I know. I actually had a secretary COMPLETELY MISREAD what I said, and she got all huffy and puffy, thinking she was being insulted.) Well, ya never know with some people. So… before I have to learn what my foot tastes like with the top ramen noodles I just ate… We’ll move along to the important stuff.

For this first course, you can…

Stop thinking outside the box! And start thinking ABOUT the box! That’s right. From the University of Wisconsin, Stout, you can get a degree in ‘packaging’. (This might be an interesting side-skill for anyone who is thinking of making a career of smuggling or drug trafficking.) But I digress.  Now, if anyone tells you to ‘shove it’, you can ask them how they’d like that wrapped!

Here’s one that might help ME out: Decision making! Indiana University’s Kelley school of business offers a doctorate in decision sciences. (Don’t we all wish the people in front of us at the drive-thru had taken this course?)

The next time you go to a parade, you’re sure to BLOW all your fellow marchers away! No, literally, “BLOW”, with your degree in bag piping! Team up with the Carnegie Mellon School of Music in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and become an expert in being full-of-air!

And, here’s some modern courses that are truly a sign of the times we live in:
Guys: What your frat house didn’t teach you, you can learn here, when you take a course in “Phallus” from the Occidental college. This class ‘touches on’ the different aspects of the phallus, from historical opinions, to their role in relationships!
Sure. Because there AREN’T ALREADY enough guys bringing the ‘uh… “SUBJECT” to the table. Ladies, if you weren’t impressed before, you’ll be thrilled the next guy who talks about his wang could actually be a degree-carrying expert!
Hmm… wonder what their ‘practical lab’ is like in that course? One thing’s for sure, it gives a whole new meaning to “CRAMMING” for an exam! (Which would be particularly interesting in a coffee shop!) ;-)

Fatties, you might want to listen in: If all the pics of skinny women all over the internet is not enough to make you put down the bag of chips and get off the couch,  then perhaps getting practical credits for this course will be incentive.

You too, can take a class in ‘The Art of Walking’ (which will come in particularly handy as you can get practical experience just traversing the campus at Center College in Danville Kentucky. Now, you will no longer feel unqualified to get off your fat ass. With this degree, you’ll be an expert!

(Though, guys, I don’t recommend you suggest this course to your wives or girlfriends.)

Alright, gangstas: This one’s for you! At Williams College in Massachusetts, you can take a course in the ‘Comparitive History of Organized Crime’. Now, instead of being a trade passed down from your former family members, you can actually feel proud to have learned all about how organized crime started, and it’s rise to power and fame. So, now, when you get arrested, you can use an ALL NEW defense: “ I LEARNED IT IN COLLEGE!!”

But speaking of ‘not-hating’, Swarthmore college offers a course in ‘Non-violent responses to Terrorism’. Really? I can’t really think of any time this might be ok, but I guess someone has taken the trouble to peruse all possibilities, and this is the best option they could come up with.

Moving on…

For all your virtual-junkies out there: The next time you encounter a virtual bitch in a cyber-world, like IMVU or World-Of-Warcraft, she may have just taken a course in “Cyberfeminism”.
And, Ladies of the dark digital underworld, Now, when you tell a noob to ‘get lost’, there will actually be some real clout behind those pixilated paraphrases.

Do you ever like to read the back of a box of cereal when you’re eating it? Somehow, it makes the cereal THAT-MUCH-BETTER when you read the clever whimsical factoids the cereal manufacturers have put up there for your eating pleasure… Right? What about a bottle of maple syrup. No? Nah, I didn’t think so either. Oftentimes, you’re left grasping for some soothing sentimentals from your favorite syrup company. Not to sound cliché’, but EVERYONE knows it’s not good to turn to the bottle!

So… before you turn to the bottle (of maple syrup) to make you feel all warm and gooey,  you can consider a course in Maple Syrup, from Alfred University. This course offers information on the history of making maple syrup as well as HOW TO make your own maple syrup! So, the next time your syrup bottle doesn’t quite give you those warm words of validation on the bottle, you can tell them to stick it, and make your own version of ooey-gooey goodness.

And, for the ultimate nerd-validating course, you can take a course on Philosophy and Star Trek from Georgetown University! That’s right fellas! Instead of bedazzling her with your knowledge of the fifth dimension, she’ll really be impressed when you begin comparing many philosophical themes of the past, with similar themes echoed in the Star Trek television series! Forget that diamond! Your knowledge will sparkle, just like all those pretty little stars on your television screen! That should be good enough for any girl (you deem) worthy, right?)

And, for all you soap-opera junkies, put down those bon-bons, and try to find a pen in all that laundry laying around, to write this one down! You too, can take a course in “Daytime Serials, Family and Social Roles”,  which, among other things, has an emphasis on Soap-operas. Also, the course compares the value of soap-operas, versus prime time programming. So the next time someone insults you, you can fire back with ‘how-valuable soap operas are in the everyday lives of people like you.’

Stay tuned for many more useless, but entertaining tidbits, by listening to Schmidt Talk, or by reading this blog! Click Here to Read My Entire Blog. Till next time, when you gotta take Schmidt from someone, make sure it's the genuine article. ;-)

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